The parts of this post between the stars were written on November 7th, a few days after I had a miscarriage, however I was not ready to share until now (December 5).
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As you can tell by the title of this post, that it isn't going to happen just yet. A week ago, last Thursday, at 8 weeks and 1 day, I started spotting. I tried not to think much of it; I've read a million blogs and informational websites and books and they all said that spotting is normal. "As long as its brown, you should be ok" was posted everywhere, so I did as my doctor has told me not to do in the past - I self-diagnosed and assumed all was well. On Friday afternoon it got heavier, so I did decide to call my doctor, regardless of the fact that I had another week before my first appointment. She told me to go to the ER, since the office was closing and I wouldn't be able to make it in.
Well, crap.
I was scared as heck, but did not tell anyone except two people I work with who knew I was pregnant. Marcus and I headed to the ER, where everyone was super nice. They told me my cervix was closed, and though my HCG level was low for 8 weeks, it wasn't something to be too concerned with, because I could have just miscalculated. I went the next day for an ultrasound, and she put me at 6 weeks, which matched my HCG level. I told myself all was well, I just ovulated later than I thought. I was concerned when she listened for a heartbeat because I didn't hear anything. But a lot of people online also said that they didnt hear it at 6 weeks, either.
Our baby.
Apparently, when you can read on the internet, you become a doctor. Or, at least, I think I can. I'm reminded of the book "He's just not that into you", which my college friend Ashley made me read (she had good reason, I was an idiot in college, not that I listened to the VERY good advice in the book). Anyway, the book says "you are the rule, not the exception", or something along that line. We all want to believe that we will be like the ones who ended up okay. I literally searched "ultrasound read 5-6 weeks when i thought I was 8 weeks". I found all sorts of stories that seemed similar to mine. In my mind, I was good. I was scared as hell, but I was praying for the best. Not that praying for the best is wrong, you should pray for the best. However, webMD and forums on the internet are not the same as doctors.
Anyway, I digress. Back to the story.
So, Sunday night I decided to return back to the ER because my spotting was getting worse. After a not so wonderful ER experience, they finally tested my HCG level and discovered that it went down. I was having a miscarriage. I fell apart. I called my mom and somehow she managaed to understand the word "miscarriage" in my blubbering hysterical crying.
Monday morning, November 4th, we headed to the OB/GYN doctor to dicuss options about what to do next. They did a pelvic exam, and told me my cervix was still closed. Then we did another ultrasound, in which I got to see the baby inside of me. The doctor came in to explain where a heartbeat should be. The baby had stopped growing around 6 weeks, and a heartbeat had never began. The ultrasound lady gave me the option of getting a picture of the little butterbean that would have been our child. I got one, simply because months from now I didn't want to wish I had a picture of this little baby that didn't grow past 6 weeks old. After, she called the doctor in to discuss options.
We had the option of letting nature take its course, inserting a type of medcine to encourage the process, or to do a D and C. We took the medicine route and they put this medicine around my cervix to encourage the miscarriage process along. The entire time at the doctor I alternated between absolute shock and crying. I tried very hard to keep it together, and I am very thankful that Marcus was by my side. He has been such a rock. Normally, he is the emotional one (sorry, honey), but he kept it together for me throughout this whole thing. The entire staff was understanding and comforting, and I am thankful for that.
After getting lunch and my pain medicine, we went home. I laid in bed and cried and watch TV. Shortly after, the cramping started. I took a pain pill, but it didn't stop. It got worse. Thankfully, Marcus left to go pick up Buddy, and when it was really bad he was gone. When he returned I was made to take another pain pill, which helped. Over the next two days, I alternated between feeling nothing, and having bad cramps. On Wednesday I went back to the doctor for another ultrasound and they told me that the baby and everything else had passed. While I continue to bleed, it is over for the most part.
There are so many negative emotions that run through your head. I am so sad for the loss of this life. This little child that never got to take its first breath, that I never got to hold, that never got to meet its big brothers. I am angry that this happened. Angry that I have to watch and feel this baby leave my body. That each time I see blood I have to wonder if it contains my baby. I laid in bed and asked God to please make the pain, my sadness go away. It isnt fair.
I am thankful for the many, many wonderful people in my life. My great family and friends who have called and texted and sent flowers to make sure I am okay. They say that 30% of people experience a miscarriage in their life, but I feel like its much more than that. So many people, at the doctor, my friends, have said that they experienced the same thing. That they had a miscarriage, too. We had not told many people that we were pregnant. We had not told the boys, which I am thankful for. I don't think I could have explained this to Riley and Buddy. I've read a few blogs, people angry that no one understands, but I am thankful that my family and friends have been understanding and helpful.
It is difficult to explain how hard this situation is. I have never been pregnant before. Most who have will tell you it is one of the most exciting feelings in the world. You are instantly responsible for this life inside of you. I daydreamed about what our baby would be like, what it would look and act like, what kind of life it would live, and what it would grow up to be. I recorded things in a journal and signed up for emails and started my registry at Target. I pinned 6,000 things about pregnancy and babies on pinterest. I borrowed maternity clothes from a friend and my mom bought me maternity pants. I planned the picture we would take at Disney that would go on our Christmas cards to announce that we were expecting a baby. Those day dreams are gone for now. The planning ends for now. One day, hopefully soon, we will get to plan those things again.
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When the miscarriage started, I searched pinterest for blogs about miscarriage. Though I found a lot of message boards from googling, I didn't find what I wanted to read. Lately I've looked again and found many more. Maybe God felt that reading others emotions would be too much for me, which I think it would have. I have spent a lot of time since Monday, November 4th trying to find reasons as to why this happened. Was it that flu shot I had? Did I not rest enough? Was I not eating healthy enough? The doctors said that the baby probably had a chromosone problem of some sort, which is why I miscarried, but of course I wonder if there was something I did to cause this.
Most days since the first week, I have been fine. Every once in a while a moment of sadness hits me. This week at Disney with the family I saw a sweet little baby in a beautiful Christmas dress and it made me tear up. I thought a lot about the things I planned to get while we were there. I was sad to see little onesies that I'm sure I would have wanted, and now it seemed silly to buy. Little things like onesies in a store that should be trivial remind me of a baby that we did not get to hold and love on and watch grow into a person. I pray one day it will happen for us.
I'm trying to remain positive, I don't want to become a bitter person who gets mad when someone complains about the woes of pregnancy, or sad when I see a baby. I don't want to be annoyed when someone asks when we are planning on trying or playfully chide me about getting pregnant. I will admit that I've already had those feelings, and I cannot imagine what people go through who have a hard time getting pregnant, or those who know they will never have a baby. I'm hopeful for the future, and I sincerely pray for anyone who has gone through any pain related to having babies.
Trusting in His plan.
All images, with exception of the ultrasound, were found via Pinterest.
